Dear firstborn, I'm sorry

Being a first-time mum is tough for so many reasons – particularly because you really have no idea what you are doing.(canvas prints canvas prints melbourne)

    Do you suffer from 'precious firstborn syndrome'?

I remember sitting on the couch when my baby was about six weeks old. My mother-in-law was visiting and my baby started to cry. "What is that cry for, mum?" she asked, looking at me. I picked up my tea, took a sip and shrugged. "Um, I'm not too sure what that particular cry is for," I replied coyly. Truth was, I still didn't know the difference between the "I'm hungry" cry, the "I'm tired" cry, and the "I just want to have a cry" cry.

If I'm being completely honest with you, when it came to being a mum I didn't know a lot about, well, a lot. You can read parenting books your entire pregnancy; you can attend all the antenatal and breastfeeding classes available (and I do recommend doing all those things). But when you are knee-deep in newborn territory, when you are living off less than three hours sleep at a time, when your brain is fuzzy and it hurts to keep your eyes open, don't expect this information to come flooding back to you to help you in your hour of need.

I think it's safe to say that a lot of new mums have no idea what they're doing. Being a parent is one of those learn-on-the-job roles, except without a supervisor. And like any other time when you perform a task you don't know how to do without supervision, it's all about trial and error. In other words, it's about making mistakes and learning from them. And let me tell you, I've made quite a few mistakes over the last few months.

And of course, this comes at a cost to our dearest firstborn babies.

If I took the time to sit my baby down and apologise to him for some of the mistakes I've made, I'd tell him how I'm sorry for not realising the reason he kept waking and crying during those first few nights at home was because he was too cold. I would apologise for missing so many signs (in hindsight) that he wasn't getting enough breast milk during his second week of life. I would say sorry for not adapting quickly enough to life on little to no sleep, for yelling in the middle of one of those long, fatigued nights "why are you awake again?", only to realise it had been three hours since his last feed.

I swear, I promise, I put my hand on my heart when I say this: I will be better at this mothering gig the second time round.

But I know I'm not the first mum – nor will I be the last – to have no idea what she is doing during those first few days, weeks and months with her firstborn baby. I spoke to a number of mums and it appears many of us have something to apologise to our firstborn for. Here are some of the top responses.

1. Sorry for thinking that if I kept you up all day you'd sleep all night – Sarah

2. Sorry I got so excited the first time you rolled over I squealed so loud and scared the living daylights out of you – Jemma

3. Sorry I did not know I had to feed you every few hours and consequently you lost a lot of weight in the first week – Kristy

4. Sorry for picking you up all the time when you were super tired and overstimulating you by jiggling you around (convinced this is what you needed) rather than just leaving you be to rest and settle – Jo

5. Sorry I didn't listen to my mother's intuition and was too confined by stigma and advice – Lisa

6. Sorry for making you my guinea pig – Sally

7. Sorry for falling pregnant so shortly after you were born and not giving you enough of me – Liesa

8. Sorry for being too structured and not taking the time to just cuddle you – Sarah C

9. Sorry it took so long to get you into the routine of falling asleep in your cot rather than our bed – Alaina

10. I'm sorry for just generally being a basket case – Kaylee

But even though as mums we make mistakes from time to time, no one can question the amount of love in our hearts for our precious firstborn babies. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't stare at him sleeping, kiss his chubby little cheeks, stroke his blonde fuzzy hair and tell him that mummy loves him more than anything else in this world.

Dear Firstborn, I'm sorry I had no idea what I was doing. I'm sorry I continue to make mistakes. But I promise you, I'll always love you and I'll always be here for you. We're in this together.